Paw-sitively hysterical dog jokes to raise the woof with laughter

  • Dogs have been proven to reduce stress, anxiety, feelings of loneliness and depression. They also encourage us to take exercise, which can help improve our health. But enough of the serious stuff: dogs are also wonderful companions and make us laugh. Some with their misdemeanours and tomfoolery. Others with their cute faces and adorable antics. So if your dog takes umbrage and crawls back to his basket when you can’t help laughing at him, perhaps you need some funny dog jokes to get you howling with laughter, but not at his expense.

    Many jokes are smutty, rude or derogatory, and the comedy lies in precisely that. But animal jokes should never be – any dog owner knows how Fido hates to be laughed at. So don’t expect a wild comedy show – just a few simple riddles to make you smile.

    Funny dog jokes: short and sharp

    What do you give a dog with a fever?
    Mustard! The best thing for a hot dog.

    Why are dogs bad at dancing?
    They have two left feet!

    What do you have if you breed a poodle, a cocker and a rooster?
    A cockerpoodlepoo!

    What do you call a magic dog?
    A Labracadabrador!

    Why did the two-legged dog take a break?
    He had two paws!

    What did the Dalmatian say after gobbling his dinner?
    Mmmmm, that hit the spots!

    What type of dog tells rude jokes?
    A smutt!

    When is a black dog not a black dog?
    When it’s a greyhound!

    What do you call a sneezing dog?

    What is the difference between a man and a dog?
    A man wears a suit, a dog just pants!

    Dog jokes for kids

    What’s a dog’s favourite ice cream?
    A pupsicle!

    What do you call a dog that doesn’t bark?
    A hush puppy!

    Which dog loves having his hair washed?
    A sham-poodle!

    What was the wee Scottie dog’s reaction to the Loch Ness Monster?
    He was terrier-fied!

    Why didn’t the dog want to do ballet?
    He was a boxer!

    What’s worse than it raining cats and dogs?
    Hailing taxis — or it might reindeer!

    How did the dog train his flea?
    From scratch!

    How do fleas like to travel?

    What do dogs eat in the cinema?

    Why are Dalmatians bad at playing hide at seek?
    They are always spotted!

    And if you’ve made it this far…

    …here’s are a couple of longer ones to keep you tittering.

    An advert in the paper for a free talking dog caught a man’s attention. While he wasn’t actively wanting a dog, free or otherwise, this intrigued him. He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to see for himself. There was an ordinary-looking springer spaniel standing at the gate of the house in the ad.

    The man couldn’t help himself from checking out the advert’s claims, so he asked the dog: “Are you the talking dog?”

    To his surprise, the spaniel replied: “Yes, I am.”

    This was a big shock to the man, but he went on: “How extraordinary! Tell me how you came to be a talking dog.”

    The dog answered: “I was born in a litter just like any other dog, but through listening to humans, I learnt their language. Once my owners discovered I could talk, they sold me. The man that bought me was a secret agent and he used me to spy on the Russians during the Cold War. After I retired, I helped out in a soup kitchen, and now I’m living with this gentleman here.”

    “That is the most incredible story,” said the man. “I’d love to have a chat with your owner, and see if I can take you home with me.”

    The man knocked on the door, which was opened by an old man.

    “Your dog is incredible!” said the prospective purchaser. “Why would you want to give away a talking dog?”

    “Because,” said the old man, “he is full of lies – he’s never been out of the back yard.”

    And finally, the last of our funny dog jokes…

    A woman takes her dog to her vet with a problem: “Rover has been bitten by a swarm of mosquitoes, can you treat him at all?” she says.

    “Let me have a look,” says the vet. He picks Rover up and gives him a thorough check-over. He examines not only his skin, but his eyes, nose, paws, teeth, tail and toes. Eventually the vet says: “I think I am going to have to put Rover down.”

    The woman is shocked and says: “Surely not? Just because he has mosi bites?”

    The vet replies: “No, but he is too heavy to hold any longer.”

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