Hovis’ Friday diary: We haz lift off!

Dear diary

So we haz lift off! The Destroyer sails forth once more! We are firmly back in business. Well back in walk at any rate.

So last week I told you that finally I had clearance to start working again and that mother was praying to every deity imaginable for someone to step up and offer to test drive the newly improved Hoverine on her behalf. Something to do with her badly damaged back and in no way anything to do with the fact she is at best a frankly atrocious rider with no guts, a propensity to cry a lot and a horse she can’t ride one side of. Sadly William Fox-in-a-hole, Mark Hot Toddy and Andrew Knickerless were clearly all busy washing their hair so in a fit of desperation she asked Dad to come out of retirement.

Now Dad wasn’t a bad rider in his day, possessing more guts than talent but none-the-less managing to achieve levels of capability that she-who-must-be-obeyed could only dream of. BUT he hasn’t sat on a horse in over six years. Let alone ridden ¾ of a tonne of pure genetically and scientifically improved superior equine muscle – and to be clear people I mean me. A genetically improved ¾ tonne beast who hasn’t been sat upon in over four months and prior to that had only had two months of walk following a nine month lay-off. So one might say I’ve had over a year off. And I’m feeling super well. Oh and to add a touch more fun to the equation I can’t be lunged due to my leg injury. Like at all…

To add to Dad’s challenge he went and told the entire Hovite Army his plans which caused a small frenzy of excitement on my facebook pages and pretty much ensured Dad was going to have to put his money where his mouth was no matter what. And the “no matter” what decided to be challenging. In this case blowing a small gale, snowing sideways and dropping temperatures low enough to partially freeze the school. Then they started shooting nearby…

I was, I have to say, quite excited when Dad came to bring me in from the field after having to stand sideways to avoid either snow down my neck cover or blizzards up my bum. Hurrah thought me! An early night and a warm stable. Silly me…

Before you could say fifty shades of grey I’m naked, trussed up in my leather gear (which has shrunk clearly and is in no way a sign I need to go on a diet) and being walked around the school by a slightly determined looking dad whilst mother helpfully films it and makes inane comments. To be fair I’m not sure what the walking achieved as it’s not as if I haven’t seen the school before – it’s been a while I’ll grant you but only because I was pretty much blind. Have I mentioned this fact? Like not only have I not been worked for ages but my vision has changed completely. Good job Dad likes a challenge…

So he mounted and off we set. It’s fair to say we argued about the pace, where I was going to walk, where I wanted my head and whether a slight shift in his derriere gave me permission to explode forwards like Usain Bolt at a trainer sale. Dad said not. I frankly disagreed.

He managed through no small feat of strength and the threat of mother getting on, to keep a lid on my excitement although the educated amongst you may have noted that all was not as serene as one might have first thought from the videos. Appearances can be a tad perceptive and it’s fair to say if I could have taken an inch I’d have gone for miles…

That said even mother was forced to admit that’s there’s very few horses that can have all that stacked against them and yet behave. It’s as close to praise as mother ever gets and somehow infers that it’s down to her superior horsewoman skills. I didn’t like to point out that at the moment watching her try to bring me in is both an education in expressive vocabulary and musical theatre. Think Wicked! – She’s a witch and I’m defying gravity…

Anyway we all survived. We’re due to do it all again this weekend and then Herman the German is going to come out and have a look at me. He needs to remember a few things: Firstly I can now see him and secondly he’s looking at my lameness not mothers – otherwise I might be looking for a new parent by next week.

I’m off to practise walk to canter transitions and plan my evasions for this week.

#fightback

Laters

Hovis

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