If only they could talk: 8 conversations you’d have with your horse
Horses can't talk — we know that, and thank goodness, imagine how awful it would be if they could answer back (that's one of the reasons we love them). But imagine if they could reply. We think it would go a little something like this...
Mucking out part I
Human: “I’ve spent ages mucking you out (again) so please don’t mess up your stable as soon as you go back into it this time. OK?”
Horse: “Why would I do such a thing? I love that you spend the time making the banks just so and you give me more bedding than I really deserve. Of course I’m not going to mess it up.”
Human: “OK in you go then.”
Horse: “Why thank you.”
Human: “What are you doing?!”
Horse: “But I was bursting. I’m really sorry.”
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Hacking
Horse: “ARRRRGGGGHHHH!”
Human: “What are you doing?! You nearly made me fall off!”
Horse: “It’s another hedge monster. It’s TERRIFYING! I’m trying to protect you. We must go in the opposite direction immediately at speed.”
Human: “It’s not a hedge monster, you know what it is — another plastic bag.”
Horse: “But it wasn’t there yesterday and it’s definitely dangerous.”
Catching from the field
Human: “HORSE! PLEASE COME TO THE GATE SO I DON’T HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY OVER THERE — LOOK I EVEN HAVE FOOD! PLEASE!”
Five minutes later
Horse: “Oh gosh hello. I didn’t see you there. Oo you even have food — you should have told me, I would have come over to the gate instead of you walking all the way over here.”
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Human: “Please horse, will you just walk up the ramp so that we aren’t late to the competition? Please — we have been here for ages now and I’m losing my sense of humour.”
Horse: “But I’m plaited and I know what that means — you know I don’t do dressage.”
Poo stain
Human: “Now look, as you know I’ve just spent the last hour making you look beautiful before we go competing tomorrow. I’m begging you please, don’t undo all of my hard work in your stable tonight.”
Horse: “Sure. Absolutely. Not a problem. I really appreciate all of the effort you’ve gone to.”
Next morning
Human: “Noooooooo! How did you get that stain there?!”
Horse: “Look, I can explain. I just really wanted something soft and warm to keep me comfy while I had a lie down and it’s not my fault my rug didn’t stay where it was meant to to keep me clean. Surely you understand?”
Continued below…
14 things your horse does when you’re running late
Plaiting
Human: “Now we’ve just got this last plait to do before you’re ready — keep your head nice and still I’m nearly there.”
Horse shakes head
Human: “Why?!”
Bathing
Horse: “Why have you stopped bathing me?”
Human: “You’re standing on the hose, please move.”
Horse: “Ah OK, one second. There you go. Why aren’t you getting on
with it?”
Human: “You’re now standing on the hose with your other hoof. Try again.”
Mucking out part II
Horse: “Morning. I’m absolutely starving — please fetch me hay tout suite.”
Human: “You’re starving because all of last night’s hay is mixed into your bed.”
Horse: “I definitely didn’t put it there and I couldn’t possibly eat it now it’s covered in shavings. Now please go and get me some fresh stuff.”
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Gemma is an experienced journalist, who was a member of H&H staff from 2014 to September 2025. She is passionate about all equestrian sports, including racing and point-to-pointing. She has enjoyed riding out for top trainers Nicky Henderson and Charlie Appleby and took part in a charity Flat race at Epsom in August 2018. Gemma’s has reported from numerous five-star events around Britain and Europe, as well as European championships.