Trainers are not always known for their tact or diplomacy. ‘Tell it like it is’ is the order of the day. All trainers have their own little idiosyncratic phrases, but you may well recognise them as variations of the following…
1. “Anything broken? Good. Now get back on and try that again.” FYI — if it’s only a minor breakage, you’ll still be expected to get on and do it again. It’s not like you use your little finger much anyway…
2. “You’re riding a horse, not a seaside donkey, and this is a dressage lesson not a stroll along the beach!” Shame. You’re so hot and sweaty, you could murder a Mr Whippy right now.
3. “Are there diamonds on the ground? No? Well, in that case, stop looking down!” Oops! Guilty as charged.
4. “OK, just once more.” Said for at least the 10th time.
5. “Do you drive like you ride?” Doesn’t look like your trainer will be getting in a car with you any day soon.
6. “Pretend you meant to do that.” Hey! That wasn’t a fluke — OK, it was.
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7. “LEG LEG LEG LEG LEG!” Yeah, we’ve all heard that one.
8. “Who’s in charge here — you or the horse?” The horse, obviously. Got a feeling that’s not the correct answer, though.
9. “I wanna see tits and teeth.” Crude, but effective.
10. “Well done for finally riding your horse!” Trainers can be kings/queens of the back-handed compliment. Other variations on this include: “I was surprised at how well you rode that”, “Better! You almost got over the jump that time!” and “Well done, you’re starting to look like a showjumper.”
11. “You look like a sack of potatoes — sit up!” Comments like that can give you a real chip on your shoulder. But don’t be a spud, do as you’re told!
12. “That wasn’t too bad. Now do it again!” What’s that — a compliment from your trainer? No time to revel in it though, keep on riding!
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Amanda Vlietstra is a freelance writer and editor who’s worked for a number of national magazines and websites. Having thrown herself back rural living with gusto since moving from London to Buckinghamshire in 2012, she juggles her horsey life with work and two small children. She claims to do dressage, but really just potters about having fun on her 14.2hh Belgian Warmblood mare, Roxy. She also enjoys a good gossip over a coffee in the tackroom!
