Farting in dressage tests — and 5 more ways your horse is sure to embarrass you
Leaving you red faced at your local hunter trials, in a dressage test or just hacking around your local village is one thing you can always count on your horse for
Horse-ownership is filled with beautiful moments — your first show together, the way he nuzzles you when you’re grooming him, just watching him grazing with the sun on his back. However, it’s also filled with moments like these…
1. He never normally farts all that much, but obviously he decides to let rip in the middle of a dressage test, just as you’re trotting past the judge’s car. Do you get extra marks for managing to keep a straight face?
2. Ever wondered why spectators at hunter trials always hang out near the water? As your horse stands hock-deep in the stuff, pawing at it excitedly like a crazed labrador digging up a bone, you know what’s going to happen next, don’t you? He’s gonna roll — with you still on board. Smile — you’re on camera!
3. Or there’s another option at the water jump. The goal for your horse is to stop dead right at the water’s edge, thus catapulting you over his head. The bigger the splash, the more kudos he gets with his horse mates back at the yard.
4. Who’s that calling you at 5am in the morning? Why, it’s your yard owner. And why is she calling you? Because your horse has busted himself and his fellow geldings out of their field, and they’ve been found gorging themselves on the year’s supply of haylage in the feed barn. Good luck catching him — and good luck riding him after all that haylage, too.
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5. “Don’t worry that we’re running a bit late, he’s really good at loading,” you trill merrily, as you and your friend pile everything into your lorry/trailer before setting off for a show. Her horse trots happily on. Yours, however, backs rapidly away from the trailer with flattened ears and a look of panic on his face, like you’re asking him to walk into a burning building. One hour, 47 carrots, and three people with lunge lines later, he’s put one hoof on the ramp. Keep going, you’ll get there eventually!
6. So you’re on a leisurely hack through the nearest village when your horse spots a set of traffic lights/skip/daffodil that wasn’t there before. Well, the set of traffic lights definitely was, but perhaps your horse just never noticed it before, because suddenly it is the SCARIEST THING EVER. Enjoy your spin and canter through the village centre. You know you’re breaking the 20mph speed limit, don’t you?
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Amanda Vlietstra is a freelance writer and editor who’s worked for a number of national magazines and websites. Having thrown herself back rural living with gusto since moving from London to Buckinghamshire in 2012, she juggles her horsey life with work and two small children. She claims to do dressage, but really just potters about having fun on her 14.2hh Belgian Warmblood mare, Roxy. She also enjoys a good gossip over a coffee in the tackroom!