This one will be a short one as events are conspiring against me to spread my Christmas cheer. My issues are less to do with omni-crumble and the human vets dithering over whether they should be on restricted grazing, full on box rest or indeed just be humanely put to sleep for crimes against innocent equines, but more to do with the fact that the mothership had spinal surgery on Monday and is smacked off her face on drugs.
The last time I saw someone this stoned was when Herman the German first sedated me with the equivalent amount of loopy juice for my size and learned that like most finely tuned athletes, I am a light weight with the hard stuff.
Trying to find other secretaries at this time of year is not the easiest of asks so I do worry if this will even be legible. The amount of dribbling that’s going on suggests a 50:50 chance and let’s be honest she made single celled organisms look intelligent when she wasn’t drugged, so what chance do I have now?
On the good news front at least the fact she looks like the loser in the largest papercut contest and is held together with some rather dubious looking cross stitch and a bit of tape does mean I won’t be expected to do any work for a while.
She might persuade Aunty Em to get on board but as we all know Aunty Em and I have an understanding, a bond which transcends anything else and certainly one that doesn’t rely on the wrong half of the relationship labouring under any illusions as to their role in life; to selflessly do as the other being needs, to work together in harmony and union…and to carry my head for me…
So, I think at least for the festive period I might be safe from any daft ideas of festive hacks, pole club or indeed the results of any idiots buying her Dressage for Dummies for Kissmuss.
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Therefore, from my stable to yours I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays. May your stockings, if you hang them, be full of everything that brings you joy, may you be spared from being embarrassed in public (remember peoples social distancing is a thing again so protect your human and don’t get within 500m of anyone if you’re dressed as an elf) and most of all, may you be safe and well.
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Hovis shared his weekly diary each Friday on the Horse & Hound website between 2008 and February 2025. Initially located on the popular H&H forum, he moved to the main website in February 2013. He published nine books, each to raise funds for his local equine welfare charity Bransby Horses. You can read all his diary entries below. H&H also published a final tribute to our much-loved equine contributor.
