14 things your trainer might have said — warning: sense of humour required

Most people who ride horses have frequent riding lessons or training sessions with a riding instructor or coach. The teachers and trainers who take these sessions often have their own way of explaining things and, if they are a frequent trainer of the rider in question, can sometimes be pretty succinct (and often quite amusing) in their assessment of the overall picture between horse and rider. Here, we round up (anonymously) a few of our favourite things that our trainers have said over time (that are publishable)…

1. “I was once told to sing out loud during a lesson to encourage me to breathe — I nearly died of embarrassment”

2. “My mum is a riding teacher and has said many a time to a slightly hormonal pre-teen Pony Clubber:

Teacher: Do you want to do this?
Kid: Yeah
Teacher: Well tell your face that…”

3. “The last time I saw you it was a matter of survival; this time I think you’ve got an outside chance of riding a dressage test…”

4. “If that horse was as clever and brilliant as you seem to think she is, she would be writing for Horse & Hound and you would be living in a stable…”

5. “Stick your chest out!”

6. “If you don’t tell him to canter, he won’t canter”

7. “You’re gripping on like a monkey up a pole”

8. “That horse is a real family horse — he’s so long in the back, you could fit every member of your family on to him”

9. “Stop looking down! There isn’t any money down there”

10. “Shorten your reins — I could hang my washing on them”

11. “I once struggled to get a flying change so I threw myself to one side to try and get the message through. My trainer said: ‘Oh, sorry, I thought you were getting off…’”

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12. “Are you riding a horse or a motorbike?”

13. “For goodness sake, breathe — I can’t teach a corpse!”

14. “If you don’t look where you’re going, you’ll never get there”

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