We’re waiting for the day that someone invents a ‘horse to human’ translation machine — and we know exactly what we’re going to ask…
1. Just exactly what is so scary about rustling leaves? We’ve just passed two tractors, a barking dog, a man with a lawnmower and a lineful of washing with no problem at all, and you’re scared of something you can tread on.
2. Why do you always poo in your water bucket? Frankly, it doesn’t seem like a great survival technique.
3. Why did you jump the first red oxer and refuse the second red oxer, which was identical in every way? Similarly, that traffic cone was in the corner of the school all morning so why did you only decide to spook at it 20 minutes into the session?
4. Is there any room for negotiation on the whole ‘you rolling in the mud just before I want to ride’ thing?
5. When you knocked over your water bucket, spread the resulting mess up the walls and then lay down in the middle of it, did you actually know we were off to a competition the next day?
6. Why will you happily lie down in mud — in fact, you’ll squelch into it in ecstasy — but I can’t get you to walk through a puddle for love nor money?
7. And while we’re on the subject of puddles, what exactly do you think is going to get you — the Loch Ness Monster?
8. Still on the subject of water, how come you’ll happily spend the night with you face in your own wee but you object to me rinsing it off with nice clean water?
9. How come you can feel a fly landing on you, and hear a dog barking from two miles away — but you’re completely oblivious to me when you’ve stood on my foot?
10. Why is the grass better on that side of the fence? It’s exactly the same as it is in your field.
11. Do you really think food tastes better when tipped onto the floor?
12. Why did you completely ignore the £50 stable toy I bought you, then spend a happy hour bashing your feed bucket around?
There’s little doubt that your horse knows exactly
There are some things we riders and horse
13. Do you actually wait until you see me put the wheelbarrow away before you decide to do a big, steaming pile of droppings?
14. Why do you follow me around the field when I’m poo picking, with your nose two inches from my back so that I get a shock each time I turn round, then refuse to come and be caught?
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