Hovis’ Friday Diary: ‘designing my own stressage test’

Dear Diary

I am doomed. Totally and utterly doomed. My new sharer and I were getting on so well, she has a weird penchant for wanting to hack out sans wing man but she does seem to enjoy a good blast in the stubble field — even if she did make me walk around one twice the other night, due to my enthusiastic “zero to warp speed” gallop across one towards home.

That was because I wanted to get back quickly to eat my dinner and to perv look at the new girl; a coloured mare that’s arrived to be Aunt Sarah’s new ride.  She’s called Foxy and boy she is. I’m looking forward to body guarding her out hacking with Aunt Sam and Aunt Sarah soon, so I’ll let you know how I make out “hubba-hubba”.

So anyway, things were going well until this week, when ‘IT’ was mentioned to mother. ‘IT’ being the idea of Aunt B taking me to a stressage event. STRESSAGE? I don’t do stressage. My past experiences of stressage events have usually meant me being pinned down, scrubbed within an inch of my life, drenched in white powder and made to smell like a cheap brand of air freshener. And let’s face it, I am many things but cheap is not one of them…

So I have hatched a plan and designed my own test. I am not intending to share my version of the test with mum and Aunt B and so will surprise them on the day with my originality and interpretation of the movements the judges will like to see. So here it is — feedback please:

Enter at A

Spook at A

Perform perfect 180⁰ turn on the forehand and head back out of the arena

Execute a perfect walk to gallop around the outside of the boards

Re-enter arena at A at working gallop

Perform perfect gallop to halt transition at X

Wait whilst rider removes face from arena floor and remounts

Leg yield towards E

Spook at B and leg yield at speed to B

Perform slow trot around to C

Check out the judge’s sandwiches

Perform perfect pirouette to distract judge whilst you steal their sandwich

Walk a large circle with head flexed to outside to prevent anyone removing the sandwich from your mouth

Swallow and proceed to K

Perform neat handstand

Continue to B in “pulling hearse” trot

Perform elegant serpentine at B

Wink at any mares in the area and continue in perky working canter

At A hop over the boards and head to ice-cream van

Remove ice-cream from random small person

Hop back over boards and piaffe down centre line

At C keep piaffing down the centre line and see who chickens out first – you or the judge

Step carefully over prostrate-praying judge and continue to A. Sideways

Execute beautiful two-time change down to X

Slither to a halt, stand on rear legs and salute judge

Wait for rider to remount

Leave arena on a loose rein bowing to your admiring fans

Blow the judge a kiss

What do you think? I think it shows flair and artistic interpretation myself.

Feedback on a postcard please

Yours proudly

Hovis

(Chief Choreographer)

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