Hovis’ Friday diary: I’m hoping the Budweiser lorry will deliver 20 buxom wenches with low morals and high stamina

  • Dear diary,

    Well it’s the last time I’ll write to you before the big man comes. No not THAT big man, Cool New Shoes Man! He’s coming tomorrow to put a new set of dancing shoes on so my special ones made for Your Horse Is Alive will be going up for auction in aid of charity some time soon — keep your eyes peeled for information.

    In case you don’t remember, CNSM made me some special YHL2016 shoes which were engraved, and of course were on my feet when the mighty Mr Billington and I strode forth into the arena and wowed the crowds with my feathered finery and manly magnificence. To be in with a chance of owning one of these pieces of sporting history then watch out on my Facebook pages over the coming weeks and they could be winging their way to you. Admittedly not attached to my feet any more, which is what most of you would prefer I know, but mum seems to want me to stick around — if only to make my life completely miserable.

    The other big guy is supposedly due on Sunday as long as we’ve all been good. Clearly this is never, ever an issue for me but I do worry about mother. I mean if that big guy has tight criteria then she’s doomed, doomed I tell you. I can’t see how with the cruelty she bestows on me that anyone would think she’s been a good girl — you only have to have seen the videos released over the last week to witness this. There have been those supposed “fans” who on viewing the video have commented that my minor amount of festive finery was so insignificant that I may be accused of colossal over exaggeration for comedic effect. I would like to point out two things 1. It was blowing an absolute gale and therefore any attempts to make me look even more like a Christmas tree were thwarted by the weather and 2. Any tiny amount of tinsel is way too much and as any form of “fan” of mine then you should know this. Consider yourself disowned — go and sit in the naughty corner until you have come to your senses.

    Continued below…

    Like this? You might also enjoy reading these:

    I’m therefore hopeful of waking up on kissmas day morning to a stable full of carrots and the Budweiser lorry delivering 20 buxom wenches with low morals and high stamina. What’s on your kissmas list?

    Thank you by the way to those of you who have already sent me Christmas cards and presents — you are all very lovely. Mum gets very jealous of my fan mail but let’s face it, only one half of this relationship is talented the other half is a chancing hanger on…

    So that that remains for me to do is to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year.

    See you on the other side.



    You may like...