Hovis' Friday diary: Stand back people, the Destroyer returns

Dear diary,

First off let me start off this week’s diary by sending every vibe I have in my body and the collective good wishes of the entire Hovite Army to William Fox-Pitt.

Well, for the last year and a bit I thought the day would never ever come again, but maybe just maybe, with a good wind and a prayer to St Feathers I might, just might, be out doing what I do best again soon. And no I do NOT mean pandering to mares with loose morals — that is definitely not a spectator sport — I mean cross-country. Admittedly very low level cross-country where I am unlikely to come across Mr Knickerless or any other eventing legends but still its cross-country, it’s not stressage and there was a time when it looked like I’d never do it again.

Mum announced the amazing news last week just before she made me do an hour of transitions and stressage hell, which I think was her cunning way of attempting to pacify me in poncing. It worked in so far as I started to imagine leaping forth out of the start box at Blenheim like a feather powered Ferrari, hurtling down the leaf pit at Burghley like an equine pogo stick, accelerating like a ginger G force… well you get the idea.

After one particular misunderstanding — how was I supposed to know mum letting go of one rein to wipe her nose was not in fact a new cunning signal for a frankly brilliant halt to canter transition? — mother was heard muttering loudly about sale rooms and knicker yards. I suspect she might have needed clean pants hence the fixation with the location of the nearest underwear outlet but still I don’t think there was any need to discuss these things out loud. Some things should be kept private should they not? For a privately educated toff she has no class at all…

Mum is loving grooming me for hours only to watch me re-do my hair on my hay net, adoring me rolling in my shavings so that I look like a Christmas card and is utterly delighted with my artistic re-styling of my tail. Apparently the “bog brush” is all the rage this year. Or so I’ve heard? Aunty Becky is supposed to be pulling my mane while mum’s away seeing granny in Spain so that they might actually coax my mane into plaits for the competition next week. To be honest I only allow this indignity because I get to jump over stuff. I’m looking forward to seeing Aunty Becky’s face when she sees the chunk I took out of my mane last night on the stable wall. She’ll be thrilled. I can tell.

Anyway if anyone in Lincolnshire feels the ground shaking on Saturday don’t fret. They have not started fracking nor has there been an earthquake. The noise will be the sound of the original all-terrain vehicle revving its engine, dropping down a gear and accelerating like an equestrian euro fighter. Sonic boom? More like a Destroyer Detonation. Stand back people the Destroyer rides forth again.

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Hovis shared his weekly diary each Friday on the Horse & Hound website between 2008 and February 2025. Initially located on the popular H&H forum, he moved to the main website in February 2013. He published nine books, each to raise funds for his local equine welfare charity Bransby Horses. You can read all his diary entries below. H&H also published a final tribute to our much-loved equine contributor.

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