Hovis’ Friday diary: a week to be celebrated

  • Dear diary,

    So, this week has seen something amazing occur — no, not Cool New Shoes Man winning NAF PROFEET Farrier of the Year at the Horse & Hound Awards (more on that though in a minute), nor that they’ve started jabbing the humans to save them from the strangles (which is also very cool) — but better! Yes peoples, my new book has landed. Although to be fair, with the thickness of it this time, it’s less “the Eagle has landed” and more “the Thrush has thudded” — honestly, it’s heavier than a full set of Homer’s odysseys in original format, and about as high-brow too.

    Thank you to those of you who pre-ordered it — hopefully you now have it and can either treat yourself to some pre-Christmas cheer or know that you’ve bought someone the best Christmas present, like ever. For the rest of you then get ordering it — there’s still plenty of time to get it into someones stocking on the big day!

    Mother as usual had a moment of misty-eyed pride at her ability to accurately capture my hilarious musings, but as we all know, she adds very little to this partnership — let’s face it, if brains were petrol, she couldn’t ride a moped half way around a fruit loop.

    Her imagined author status wasn’t the only thing bringing tears to her eyes this last week as Operation Fight Back carried on with the five minute walks around the school remaining as my only glimpse outside.

    Last Saturday, I decided that actually outside living is very overrated as I was forced to walk round the school with the wind driving my tail up my derriere like wind up the M1 one way and face full of driving rain the other way. Needless to say, I expressed my disgust at this through the medium of interpretive dance with a couple of waves to the peanut gallery as I pirouetted around mother like Darcy Bussell on the waltzers, while mother puffed after me with the speed and athleticism of a tortoise on Prozac, swearing like an Irish navvy with tourette’s. I do genuinely fear for the education of the young and impressionable wildlife in the area — I have awful visions of a young Peter Rabbit innocently walking to the nearest carrot fields with Granny Bunny and excitedly pointing out the field full of grazing “great big galloping tw*ts”. Mother has a LOT to answer for…

    For the rest of this week, Boss Lady and Aunty Em have been in charge as the mothership was away earning the money I apparently give away with wanton abandonment to every equine professional in the area. They have reported back that I have been the model patient and not once attempted to do an R Kelly with them, which has left mother more irritated than a naturist in a hairshirt.

    What they failed to mention is the Boss Lady had equipped them both with the “equaliser”, otherwise know as a mop handle and wafted it about under my nose with a dangerous glint in her eye. I couldn’t decide whether she was acting out a Jedi fantasy or trying to swat a wasp, but either way, the force was strong and gravity even stronger…

    Talking of supposed equine professionals I was delighted that my own Cool New Shoes Man won NAF PROFEET Farrier of the Year at the Horse & Hound Awards, but my delight swiftly soured faster than milk in a heatwave after I heard his thank you speech. Excuse me? I’m heavy?! I have caused untold damage to his spine over the years? This from the man who has had a 12 year obsession with sticking his tongue down my throat at every opportunity? Where’s the gratitude? The acknowledgement that it is indeed me that has maketh the man? I’ll be honest, after watching his moment of glory, I felt more deflated than a breached blimp. It’s fair to say he and I will be having words when he next comes to see me — which I can assure you with a wedding to pay for will be sooner rather than later. As mother’s bank manager will tell you, between CNSM’s wedding and the extension of the West Wing of Herman Towers to pay for, my running costs have been multiplying faster than a catholic amoeba. I don’t think mother has any comprehension that bank accounts come in any other colour than red…

    Continued below…

    Watch the Horse & Hound Awards 2020 virtual ceremony

    So, all in all, a week to be celebrated; human vaccinations, my winning farrier, another week done of project proclaimers and the release of my new masterpiece.

    As a reminder to get your copy, head for www.bransbyhorses.co.uk and into the online shop. All proceeds go to the charity to continue their great work so you get a funny and they get your money. Sounds a good deal to me.



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