‘Will only date four-star eventers’ — and other online dating profile blunders

  • Looking for a summer romance? Take a look at our advice for riders braving the world of online dating...

    How did people meet before the days of online dating? It’s a wonder the human race continued at all.

    As a rider, you face the dilemma of being completely honest about yourself in your profile, and therefore giving away the fact that you will never love any prospective suitor as much as you love your horse, which could be off-putting, or lying, and ending up with someone who doesn’t like horses, or thinks they smell, or something. Disaster. Perhaps treading some kind of middle ground is the way forward. Here are some ideas of what NOT to say:

    1. I’m obsessed with my horse. Let’s start with the obvious. That funny sound you can hear right now is thousands of potential dates clicking ‘next’ on the dating website.

    2. Will only date four star eventers. Narrowing the field a bit, isn’t it? Obviously, yeah, Harry Meade is fit, but also married. Damn.

    3. My ideal Saturday: Get up at 5am, bath and plait horse, load horse and drive 100 miles to show, compete in dressage/showing/jumping/xc, drive home, rub down and feed horse, go home, collapse onto sofa, drink a bottle of wine in front of Bake Off. While this certainly shows you to be a fit and active individual who enjoys the occasional drink, perhaps you should just say that, instead of revealing a terrifyingly high level of focused dedication to your sport that might get those fit fellas (or laydeez) wondering where they fit into all this.

    4. My favourite food: McDonalds drive-thru (with the horsebox)
    This may well be true, but it’s probably better to say you like Italian or Thai. Just a little white lie. It’ll make you sound sophisticated.

    5. I dumped my ex because he couldn’t get on with my horse. Never mention the ex! It’s the first rule of online dating, apparently. Although your horse does have excellent judgement, and if he didn’t like the ex — or any boy/girlfriend — then it’s with very good reason.

    6. Likes: Cross-country, dressage and cuddling my horse. Maybe you could mix things up a bit by having something non-horse-related in there? There must be something you’re interested in, other than horses? And no, horse shopping doesn’t count.

    7. My friends tell me I look like Emily King. Never compare yourself to a hot celebrity — it invites the ‘she thinks she looks like Emily King, bahahahahaha’ response. Anyway, they won’t know who Emily King is, and they’ll Google her and come up with American Grammy-nominated singer/songwriter Emily King. Who? Exactly.

    Continued below…

    Like this? You may also enjoy…

    8. Basically, I’m looking for a knight in shining armour. This doesn’t mean he’ll be able to ride.

    You may like...