Hovis’ Friday diary: reasons why I should be your new leader now that the blonde bushy-haired one has left…

  • Dear diary,

    Well, crikey it’s all change in the human herd, isn’t it? The blonde bushy-haired one has found himself about as welcome as a feral barn cat at an aquarium and as isolated as a strangles case at the Olympics. The last time I saw someone standing quite so alone was Barbie Boy on his bijou bowling green turn out space at the top of the yard, where we stash the weird ones away from sight of the public. Let’s be honest though, with everyone bobbing off and leaving him, he was about as efficient as a Kardashian would be clearing an all you can eat buffet – which is to say not very and we would have to ensure the media frenzy watching it all.

    So, this leaves you humans leaderless.

    What is needed here is someone with class, someone with integrity, someone with charisma and vision and moreover, the intelligence to lead us all out of the pickle that we seem to be in. And frankly, the list of persons capable of it is not a long one.

    I mean it’s so obvious, but even so, let me give you the short list.


    I told you it was a short list…

    Again, let’s be honest here, choosing between the rest of the them (of any party) is like choosing which stressage test you do – you don’t like any of them as an option, they all involve dubious moves with questionable motives and inevitably, half way around you will wish you’d picked the other one…

    I, however, offer something different, something which if you think about it is real blue sky thinking (you see if you hang around with my consultant mother for too long you can get with the lingo – although she does suggest that the only blue sky she sees near me is the gap between my ears…) and out of the box innovation (again ignore suggestions from mother that the box in question did have “wrong way up” on the side…).

    Your human herd needs leadership from the front and I think you would struggle to find anyone more keen to be at the front than me. Just ask any of my previous hacking buddies… Unless of course there are tractors – which do lead to me doing a speedy about turn and swift withdrawal in the opposite direction, but again, if you think about it, this is extremely good training for politics and will only make me fit better into the corridors of power.

    I will, over the coming weeks, be drafting my manifesto but I would like to think I could count on you all to help me throw my ear bonnet into the ring to help lead this country, after all I’m hardly like to make as big a mess as you humans have managed, am I?

    Talking of making a mess of oneself, I would like to extend the warmest of get well wishes to my dear friend and co-pilot Mary King, who I understand was mounted upon a lesser-quality-than-me stead and had a nasty accident the other week. I may have bronced down the centre line at Belton International Horse trials with you Mary, but I made sure we remained united at all times. When you’ve healed, I am more than happy to come and ease you back into the world of riding proper horses and promise faithfully I will keep all four feet on the floor for you. Well mostly…

    I’m off to perfect my tousled mane (achieved by enthusiastically rubbing my head onto something hard), the spouting of total horse poop (achieved by echoing my mother on a daily basis) and the confusing of Chardonnay with office supplies (achieved by watching mother convince people she’s drinking tea on a works team call) – all of which should pretty much guarantee me the job.



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