How to get ahead in 2005

  • 1, Go for bright cross-country colours. (They look so much better on front covers and your hopes of getting on it increase hugely)

    2, Buy a horse with some white on its face. If not, consider Tippex (for the same reason as above)

    3, Try to see the funny side as you emerge, on foot, from the slime at the bottom of a water jump (see right)

    4, Hope that the picture editor of H&H thinks you’re a pin-up

    5, Change your surname by deed poll to Whitaker (there are so many already that no one will notice)

    6, Beam as you sail over large fences, just like Mary King

    7, Fall off in flamboyant style — preferably towards the camera

    8, Make a fashion statement with your underwear, as was seen at the Athens Olympics

    9, Compete a coloured horse — you will be much more likely to secure a berth in a report compared to a bay 16.2hh gelding

    10, Look out for equestrian photographers (see H&H 9 December for examples) and don’t run them down on your horse.

    11, Work out until you have the body of Jane Fonda at her prime. Photographers can’t resist

    12, Invent a ridiculous nickname (Remembering that Bumble, Beanie, Beezie, Piggy, Wiggy, Rilly etc are already spoken for)

    13, Break into the Houses of Parliament. A bit last-season, but still bound to make
    the headlines

    14, Discover allegiance to an obscure nationality and ride as an individual in the Olympics. Equestrianism is striving to maintain its Olympic status through “inclusiveness” and The Gambia, Cambodia and Iceland have not had representation lately

    15, Be forgiving when stressed-out journalists wake you on your mobile at 3am, forgetting that you are at a show two time zones away

    16, If you meet an H&H journalist, flirt outrageously and send a hand-written Christmas card. Our address is on page six

    17, Get a paint job done on your lorry to rival the Sistine Chapel’s

    18, Make sure you reapply eyeliner and mascara in the 10-min box or working-in area — you need that extra definition… (Boys, this means you too)

    19, Compete an ex-racehorse — and qualify for about 20 additional prizes. (Plus we’re bound to interview you sooner or later)

    20, Marry a TV presenter, as did William Fox-Pitt and Malin Baryard (and boost your profile even more)

  • This feature can be enjoyed in full in Horse & Hound (9 December, ’04). To purchase a back issue (tel: 020 8532 3628).

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