11 reasons your horse secretly hates you

You greet your horse with a big soppy kiss every morning, and swear he looks back at you with love in his beautiful brown eyes. So why, for the love of god, did he deliberately stomp on your foot just now, and why does he keep trying to ditch you out hacking? Maybe it’s because you do this to him….

Pink dye

That time you dyed her pink for a ‘Canter for a Cure’ sponsored ride. And she had TOLD you her favourite colour was blue! (Alisha Evans)

The sheep rug

‘I’m a horse. A horse, dammit!’ Yeah, but this horse looks a bit sheepish. (Emma Louise)

Fancy dress

They may be dressed up as the Princess and the Frog, but from the look on her face, the Princess isn’t planning on kissing the Frog any day soon… (Helen Fox)

The bonnet

‘I’m standing next to a woman in a sheep’s costume. Yes, I’m wearing a bonnet and leg warmers. No, I haven’t a clue why. Is there any way I can give up being a horse and be something else instead? A bird, maybe. Or a worm.’ (Kim Mortimore)

Hard hats

Because safety matters. (Jodie S. May)

The colour pink

8. The Friesian horse, with his flowing mane and proud stature, is a mighty and noble beast. Most of the time, anyway. This one needs to sack his stylist.

Star Wars

This pair will shortly be taking over a galaxy near you and blowing up one of your moons. (Clare Fehim)

Princess mania

Another magical princess. In his heart of hearts, he’d actually quite like to step on Elsa out of Frozen. He blames her for everything. (Emily Curtis)

Shampoo

Hairwash time! The best murders have been plotted by schemers with shampoo running down their face. Just saying! (Laura Bendel)

Rosette overload

One proud moment for the owner. One ‘next time I’m just going to ditch her in a hedge’ moment for her horse. (Clare Chapman)

Christmas

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Amanda Vlietstra is a freelance writer and editor who’s worked for a number of national magazines and websites. Having thrown herself back rural living with gusto since moving from London to Buckinghamshire in 2012, she juggles her horsey life with work and two small children. She claims to do dressage, but really just potters about having fun on her 14.2hh Belgian Warmblood mare, Roxy. She also enjoys a good gossip over a coffee in the tackroom!