Hovis’ Friday diary: mother has just about held on to her hair and sanity…

Dear diary,

So, it’s fair to say this week has been one of ups and downs, and ends with mother just about hanging on to the last of her hair and her sanity. Only just mind…

Last Friday saw Herman the German Needle Man and Cool New Shoes Man descend on the yard and tag team mother like two aged WWF wrestlers — only more verbal than rumble.

Cool New Shoes Man had managed to get his times totally muddled up and had turned up at the yard four hours early. As a result, he agreed to fetch in me and Barbie Boy who was also having his feet done. Now there is a video of CNSM fetching me in and then doing all the work on my foot, which is quite educational, but he starts off baiting mother by suggesting that her horsewoman skills are a little below par and that I do not need to be in a lunge line etc as he calmly walks me in with the smug air of a man who taught my mate Monty Roberts all he knows. Now what you didn’t see dearest viewer, due to, shall we say, some very selective editing, is the 45 minutes it had taken him to catch pretty pony as he ran in circles, neatly evading capture like a four-legged blonde streaker at a cricket match. At one point, CNSM could be seen trying to entice the blonde bombshell towards him with the only thing he had to hand — which happened to be a £10 note. I can only imagine what passersby thought as they saw a stunningly attractive childs’ Ken doll pony being bribed with money by a middle-aged man in a leather apron in the middle of a field… dodgy much?!

Anyway, needless to say no mention of this highly entertaining interlude was mentioned on the video, nor of the fact that the blonde berk is so thick he was in the end enticed by a bucket with three pebbles in it; one can only assume that his eyesight was obscured by the basin cut fringe.

I was so entertained by the whole thing that I willingly let CNSM catch me and thus unwittingly allowing him to suggest that mother has a) a habit of exaggerating my behaviour (to be fair she does — I am after all an equine angel) and b) shouldn’t be allowed to look after anything more than a clothes horse (also true to be fair…).

So, I had my three ‘normal’ feet trimmed and the old resin removed from the site of the eviction of Kevin before Herman rocked up to help/hinder/harass mother, who had also turned up. Herman was very pleased with my foot growing prowess and superhorse healing, although he did have to cut away a small area of necrotic tissue, which both satisfied his slasher tenancies and ensured that CNSM couldn’t go straight to the supermarket without people thinking he was a prime suspect in a murder due to the amount of my blood that he was now wearing…

Bleeding duly stopped via the medium of Herman’s finger (not something I like to dwell on), new swabs were packed into the hole of Hovis and new resin applied — all of which can be seen on the video for those of you who find these sorted of things educational/want to watch 2020 version of the Chuckle Brothers…

Herman was so pleased with my healing that he gave mother the green light to bring me back into work suggesting “gentle hacking” (the man clearly doesn’t know me) or light school work, which sounded suspiciously like code for stressage to me. Mother was so excited by this she immediately shot off to sell her remaining kidney and get me a new saddle; my old one was never recovered following the theft and she’s been too superstitious to buy another one until I got the all clear. I was so horrified by the thought of stressage by stealth that I managed four days later to remove the resin from my foot, thus re-opening the hole of Hovis to the holiday lettings market, sending the boss lady into the sort of spin the peloton woman can only dream of and causing mother to have the sort of meltdown that makes Britney’s head shaving session look positively rational. It’s fair to say I wasn’t popular, particularly as CNSM was down lecturing in Hereford, mother was at the airport and Herman had his hand up a horse’s unmentionables when mother rang him. Eventually the issue was resolved with CNSM pulling in more favours than a Las Vegas call girl and Shanghaiing a local shoes man to meet up with Herman and reseal the hole of Hovis.

Continued below…

Now allowed back out, I’m off to work on hole healing and to get a ring side seat for when mother hears that Barbie Boy has just chucked a shoe…

Laters,

Hovis

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