Hovis’ Friday diary: The Dr. Hovis hotline will be open shortly

  • Dear diary,

    So it’s New Years Day today! I’m writing this wwwaaaayyyyy before Christmas as apparently everyone isn’t back at work until Monday and was likely to be far too hungover to cope with my dictation today. Which is, to be honest, a tad rude. Bunch of lightweights! Which to be fair is something you can’t accuse my mother of being — have you seen the size of her bum?

    Anyway so I’m writing this not having a clue what’s going to have happened over Christmas. Has it snowed? Has it rained loads? Have mother and I managed a schooling session in which she didn’t cast aspersions on my ancestry? Have I finally managed to kiss Dolly without losing appendages? Did the Great British eventing squad finally have a brain fart and realise what they’re missing? Did a truckload of loosely moralled mares roll up on Christmas Day and I am now an exhausted but happy Hovis heap in the corner?

    To be honest I’m betting no but a boy can but dream. And oh boy what a dream THAT is!

    So I am hoping that you all took my advice and steered clear of draping your long suffering equines in tinsel/antlers/bells/elves hats but I’m also not holding my breath.

    I will be opening the Dr Hovis hotline shortly for all traumatised horses to tell me their tales of woe. When I say ALL I mean all fit, good looking mares that need a manly shoulder to whinny on. Just so we’re clear. The rest of you man up and get on with it — I have to.

    So it’s a New Year! Where did the last one go? It seemed to last as long as a Lickit in my stable and was gone in a flash!

    Have you made any New Years revolutions? How many turns did you manage? I don’t get this revolution thing but I have long since been told that it’s the way to start the New Year. I have also long since leant to do them in my stable — mum gets quite moody when I do the revolutions when she’s on board. After one particularly painful year I can also pass on the advice that doing them in the middle of the road while being ridden is a particularly bad idea. Unless you don’t fancy living to see the rest of the year — if that’s the case you fill your boots!

    I’ve decided that this is the year I finally persuade my friend Mary King to take me cross-country even if I have to bribe her to do it. Surely people would like to see her ride a proper horse just once? I mean she’s done amazingly well considering she rides such inferior wussy warmblood types. Think what she could do if you gave her some real fire power — feathered style!

    Mr Knickerless seems oblivious, and she’s met me and basked in my brilliance, so I think someone needs to steer Mary in the right direction. I mean there’s that party in Rio and I do a mean samba. Particularly down the middle of the road when there’s a tractor coming — just ask mother. Can someone make the call for me?

    So what are your plans for 2016? Let’s hear them! Unless they involve stressage — then keep them to yourselves. My mother is easily led at the best of times — I don’t need her getting any encouragement.

    Hope the heads are not too sore and that you’re fit and raring to go. I am! Watch out 2016, here comes The Destroyer!



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