Hovis’ Friday diary: I have the power to empty bank balances and cause grey hair
(Image credit: Reader)
Dear diary,
So I’m still here. I know a number of my Facebook fan club — the Hovite Army — were deeply concerned about the ebbing likelihood of this, but you have to remember my mum is all bark and no bite. She wouldn’t sell me/leave me tethered to the side of the road with a “free to any home” sign, send me down the pits or indeed offer up my substantial carcass to any supermarket chains for value lasagne purposes. I don’t think? I’m pretty sure anyway. Because on a good day she does promise me that I will stay with her and she will love me to the end of my days — on the bad days she does point out that the end of my days might be sooner rather than later…
So last week saw me have injection number number of my super horse Hoverine mutation juice. I have to say I want to lodge a complaint about the whole thing; so far no cape, no knee high boots or, more worryingly, currently no sign of any super powers? I mean is it like a cumulative thing? They don’t arrive until the last injection? Do I need to be certified in my powers before I can use them?
To be fair, I have been testing every day whether I can now fly. My acceleration from zero to warp speed is impressive and I am using the length of my field as a runway. Mum was SO thrilled when the boss lady told her that. But so far all I’ve done is prove to the ginger high maintenance dude that I am king of the sprint — I’ve not actually flown, which is sort of the whole point? Unless my superpower is going to be more subtle? Mum says I already have several well-established superpowers but I’m not sure the power to empty bank balances and cause grey hair is really the stuff that Marvel make comics about? And I’d LOVE to be in a comic. Or a film. I could race into battle and save Thor or even better that Scarlet Yo-Handsome (“yo” yourself pretty lady) and I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit bothered by the Hulk — he reminds me of mother with a hangover — all green and tetchy. I think I’d be pretty awesome. Someone said though I’d be better off with the X-Men as they’re more akin to me. I’m assuming X-Men is a cross-country team? In which case I think the Hovite who suggested it might be right. I’d feel right at home anyway as Cool New Shoes Man has facial hair very similar to that Wolverine dude and mums temper is very similar to the bird with the hot hands issue.
Talking of CNSM, he embarks today on some long ride on a metal horse to raise money for charity. He’s been a total drama queen this year, determined to upstage me and my issues, and had to get the big C and have his kidney removed. Seriously, the lengths people will go to for attention…
He’s on the mend now and has been blown away (not literally — he’s very sturdy) by the generosity of the Hovite Army in sponsoring him. If any of you haven’t and still want to, then head over to my Facebook page and follow the links. He has said he’ll send lots of pictures of farriers in Lycra but mum is desperately trying to censor this before it gets to Facebook. I don’t think anyone has recovered from the last lot of semi-naked shots — and that was just me with a clipped leg…
Continued below…
Hovis’ Friday diary: I’m a social outcast with holey feathers
