Hovis’ Friday diary: down but not out

  • Dear diary,

    So I write to you from within my box.


    Still resting.

    Still bored.

    I am now however well underway on my journey to being Hoverine the wonder horse, for last week I started electro-magnetic pulse therapy. Mum says it’s to help get my leg better as swiftly as possible but I think it’s actually a secret FEI experiment to turn me into the world’s most unbeatable cross-country machine; mutated muscle power and feather — the ultimate eventer to beat all eventers.

    So last Friday a very nice looking lady turned up with mother in tow and a funny looking bag of tricks. I mixed my metaphors for a moment and thought it might be a bag of treats — note to self trying to eat very expensive equipment can make mother’s panic greatly. Apparently for a minute between the vet’s bills and re-compensating the lady for her kit she envisaged a life on the game. Which game I know not but I’m assuming Scrabble?

    Anyway, after I’d decided eating the very expensive looking equipment could be life limiting I allowed the nice lady to generally cuddle me and be overwhelmed by my brilliance before mother rudely tied to me to a hay net and they slapped this back, leather looking thing on my injured leg. It was then connected to a little pack that the lady was wearing (kind of like a handbag but without the entire kitchen sink that mother seems to carry in hers — I am pretty sure the answer to world peace could be found in there along with Lord Lindley and Shergar). She pressed the “on” switch on the pack and lights began to flash. I waited for the transformation to begin. And I waited. And I waited. And waited some more. Nothing happened. Not even a tingle. I’m assuming therefore the effect is cumulative?

    So I’ve been having my therapy every day, twice a day with either mum or the boss lady doing the holding of the purse of powers. I’m assuming you get the cape and the other bits of superpower kit when you’ve finished the course and full mutation into Hoverine has occurred? The lady did say something about changing the frequency at some point but I don’t know if that’s to give me extra powers? I’m hoping for the ability to control minds so that when I’m finally allowed out of this box then I can mind control mother to never again do stressage. That and give me massive dinners and buy me a hot Hanoverian hussy…

    Herman the German stopped by the other day unexpectedly to see me too. Mum wasn’t there so I think to be honest he used the “just in the neighbourhood excuse” because like Cool New Shoes Man he can’t get enough of me. I don’t blame him — my magnetic personality attracts people like flies to honey. I can’t help it; it’s a curse…

    Continued below…

    Next week sees me likely to be made to walk up and down to see if my leg is going to fall off. I’m seriously tempted to hop on three legs just to see mum’s face but then I equally like living and I’m not sure who would kill me first — mother or Herman. If my leg is deemed to be staying on sometime in the next few weeks I will progress from being bored in a box to being forlorn in a field the size of a postage stamp. But heh, at least there will be grass.

    So I’m off to await being electrocuted again in the vain hope of my Hoverine transformation happening soon. I hear they’re filming the next Avengers film in Edinburgh right now and I think the addition of a super powered Clydesdale could be just what is needed to make those Hollywood B-listers hit the big time. If anyone knows the producer people then get them to call my people — I’m down people but I’m not out…



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