Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I am a mangey, pus-filled piece of mouldy bread’

Dear diary,

My name is Hovis and I look like I have mange: I am a mangey, pus-filled piece of mouldy bread. Mother is perplexed (it doesn’t take much), Frenchie is perplexed (she’s French) and the boss lady is perplexed (she’s usually quite clever). I am itchy, lumpy and spotty.

It started on Friday afternoon after Herman the Germen Needle Man’s better looking sidekick had turned up, cuddled me and then stuck a great big needle in my neck. Frenchie was giving me a consolation cuddle and stroking my face when her fingers suddenly found something under my chin; a big mass of disgusting pus — mum’s words, not mine. Cue me being dragged into the barn to have a look with torches, glasses and intense peering (and that was just mother).

Washing away the pus revealed an innocently small-looking insect bite, so much relieved mum disinfected me, put some cream on it and put me back out. The next day it was still oozing disgusting yellow stuff but had been joined by another one on my face. Four days later and I’m covered in lumps and oozing pus and am confined to barracks during the day.

Mum and the boss lady have scoured my field for ants’ nests, hornets’ nests, wasps’ nests, nests of anything that might be biting me but to no avail. I’m usually not a delicate little flower so whatever it is, is clearly pure evil. Boss lady says we’re moving fields to escape it — personally I think she’s scared of being sued for ruining the looks of a celebrity. Between Dolly’s attempts to remove my face with her teeth and then all these lumps I look like an extra from a horror film. Which wasn’t really the look I was aiming for when the photographer came on Tuesday to be honest.

I was having snaps taken for my new book (out in November) and mum was most keen to know if something called Photoshop could be deployed — apparently looking like an abuse victim isn’t the look we should be going for when raising money for a large equine welfare charity. I did have fun posing for the camera and chasing the camera lady all over the school and there was a little bit of an extra excitement thrown in.

Drum roll please!

I have met a new woman! She’s very feisty (like mother), very small (not like mother), very opinionated (totally like mother) and is an ex-resident of Bransby. No, before any of you get excited she’d not for mini-mother but she will be playing an important role in my relationship with the charity, so keep up to date with the happenings on my Facebook pages.

Dolly was not amused and spent the entire photo shoot glaring at Summer (my new lady love) and screaming she loved me. The two ginger dudes were also giving positive vocal encouragement so I do fear that the camera lady thought she’d entered a mad house (or should that be stable?). She did however recognise my fame, my presence, my manliness and how photogenic I am (even with lumps, bumps, cuts and pus) so she can visit me any time. I tried to show her how much I appreciated her by giving her some serious close up opportunities but apparently me shoving my head right into the camera lens wasn’t the look she was hoping for — she’s clearly another one who one just can’t please…

Continued below…

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I am worried that Summer might be a tad high maintenance and more importantly might have to stand on a hay bale, but to be honest with Dolly behaving like a hormonal serial killer at the moment and all the other residents of the yard being dudes then I’ll take what I can get. She did spend a lot of time showing me her bum so at least she appears to fill the “loose morals” element of my ideal woman wish list — the fact she also tried to kick me in the head I think was merely her playing hard to get.

I shall keep you posted over coming weeks and watch out for an exciting teaser coming soon about my book launch.

Laters,

Hovis Hives

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