Hovis’ Friday diary: I’m off to see if I can induce mother into a full on breakdown

  • Dear diary,

    So as the day of the Lincolnshire Show grows ever closer, mother stresses ever more about my frankly innovative and unique self-hair styling and continues to plot my replacement with some sort of immaculately groomed Stepford horse. I, in the meantime take great delight in rolling my legs about in as much dust as I can find, rubbing my mane on any immovable object (and mother) and taking huge chunks out of my currently unshod feet, such that mother was last seen clutching a bottle of show shine sobbing hysterically and talking to someone who wasn’t there. She’s always been a drama queen.

    Mind it didn’t help that a very manly photo of me has been doing the rounds on the old information highway and everyone has been telling mum that I look great and not to worry about my feathers.

    Hold the front page here for a bit of show biz inside info people — it was taken last year and my feathers where Photoshopped to look that white. The reality was like a member of TOWIE with no make up on — a tad unkempt and very orange.

    Needless to say none of this is helping mother’s welfare — she will never let Bransby Horses (the charity I support) down but it’s fair to say to any member of the Hovite Army coming to see me it would be wise not to mention my feather, or mane, or tail, or hooves. In fact, maybe don’t talk to her at all? Smile and wave from a distance (while giving me carrots) in the sort of manner usually used on the mentally unstable or dangerous animals…

    Mind you my feather will look a whole lot worse after the show as Herman shaves me once again for injections into my joint. Mum has held back on IRaP until after the show a) for feather preservation and b) to reduce my risk on any infections but as soon as it’s done then I shall commence my mutation into Hoverine. For those of you non-savvy people then this involves me having blood taken and then it being mutated into superpowers before being injected back again directly into my joint. Once this has been done a few times, I get issued with my superhero outfit (cape and mask) and then start a crime fighting duo with the ninja hare in the hedgerow. We’re going to fight crimes against equines (insufficient hay and strip grazing) and battle the yellow perils together — we are Hovis and Hare. Mum says it makes us sound like either solicitors or grave robbers but since she is blonde and of a mature nature (i.e. oooollllllddddd) then what does she know?

    Aunty Em is coming to the show too so make sure you all say hi to her. I will be holding out hope that all of you sign my petition to ask for transfer of ownership deeds form she-who-must-be-obeyed to aunty Em — she does WAY bigger dinners and is so much easier to wrap around my hoof than mother. And she posts more pictures for the Hovite Army on Facebook so you should all be in favour too? She wouldn’t laugh at my super hero intentions either…

    Continued below…

    So I’m off to see if I can induce mother into a full on breakdown. I shall be safe for a while as she won’t murder me until Cool New Shoes Man has come later today to repair the hoof damage — she doesn’t like witnesses — and in the meantime it’s fun!

    To those of you coming next week — see you then!


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