Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I have news… awesomely exciting news’

  • Dear Diary

    I have such exciting news to tell you… news which will make all this palaver over who is going to be the boss of the human herd fade into insignificance more swiftly than the winner of The Voice. News which outstrips mother’s supposed recent weight loss (personally I remain unconvinced – the only way she’s lost weight is if her brain cell has fallen out or someone’s reset the bathroom scales to calibrate laden lorries)… and her recent nomination as Woman of the Year at some award ceremony (I’m assuming she was in the all-male group hence the nomination – sort of like when I came second in a showing class to the umpteen-time winner of HOYS. And yes, there was only two of us in the class…).

    But you’re going to have to wait until next week to find out what it is – because I am more teasing than Joe Wicks wearing chocolate body paint at a Fat Fighters work out class… While you’re waiting, why not check out my new brand facebook page, Hovis the horse, which is going to be a hive of activity very soon – for now I can say no more…

    Alongside prepping my awesomely exciting news, I have been a busy bunny – Cool New Shoes Man came last week and we had our usual ritual of a cuddle and him turning red with excited embarrassment. It really is adorable how flustered he still gets after all this time – in fact going on his breathing and heart rate I actually think if anything he gets more excited now than he did when I first met him. I mean I know my fame has grown faster than mother’s arse in that time but still it’s adorable – CNSM being embarrassed that is, not mother’s arse, just to be clear.

    Anyways, I now have my new custom made Loobootons and CNSM can finish the West Wing swimming pool tiling and fill it with mothers tears of happiness at how quickly I can empty her bank account.

    I’ve also been out hacking a number of times as Mother continues to insist that Crazy Self Employed Lady gets me fitter, slimmer and trimmer whilst she swallows painkillers of the actual and liquid type faster than the Hack Duh girl is gaining followers on TokTik and hobbles around like a penguin with piles. The other night I had to babysit a friend of Mini-mother’s and her pony, which was useful as it meant I had a small cute sacrifice to offer up to the Tractors of Terror. We didn’t see any so no children nor ponies were harmed during said hack – I guess making them like an umbrella, you take it out with you and you wont need it…?

    Talking of small ponies I am pleased to announce that the pint sized pain in the posterior is for once in more trouble than me having escaped his hormonal holding hutch the other day and been found frolicking in grass like a fat fighter in Cadbury World. He was swiftly caught and talk has been over heard of enforcing his electric fence. Personally, I’m up for dialing up the wattage to crispy but I think I may be alone in this sadly. Still makes a change for the ginger ninja to be in trouble whilst I am cooed over for being so well behaved, I shall go and enjoy it whilst it lasts.

    Keep a close eye on my news coming out…


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