8 thoughts that have crossed the mind of style-conscious equestrians

It is possible to like horses and fashion, even if it does throw up some unique thought processes along the way, says Ploy Radford

Horsey people and fashion-conscious people are rarely considered to be one and the same. The former are seen as practical, au fait with dirt and bad smells and only likely to look into mirrors to check their riding posture. The latter rarely so. This is of course to do a disservice to a number of equestrians who aren’t just Edie Campbell and still care about their style. For people who like both horses and fashion, here’s a few things they may have thought about…

1. Confusion over why so many accessories for horse and rider are pink and covered in diamante. Don’t retailers know it’s all about ruffles, velvet and nautical for A/W16? Is dressing a horse in a sailor’s cap a form of animal abuse?

2. Despair as to why your grey horse doesn’t understand that its mud/poo stains are letting your whole look down. Or further despair when you realise everyone is sighing “Oh you’re so beautiful when you’re actually clean” to the horse rather than you when it hasn’t rolled around in unspeakable things.

3. The smug feeling that you’ve got things under control when you try anything tight on in the changing room – you’ve put jodhpurs on enough times to have that dance-wiggle into tight clothing sorted. No fear of ripping shop clothes here.

4. A sense of security that no one will be thinking your bum looks big when astride a horse because, well, the horse’s bum is bigger. And if they’re near the back end of your horse judging you, they are probably about to get kicked in the face right now, anyway.

5. Having serious strut envy of top dressage horses. You wish you could stride out in a similarly fabulous fashion when you are all dolled up, but in reality, anything but tottering in heels ends up with you face-palming the pavement.

6. Wondering when Vogue dictates that faux fur is in whether what is effectively a coat of horse hair, that turns up even on items of clothes that have been nowhere near said animal, counts.

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7. A vague inkling you are missing the fashion point when you see an advert featuring a horse and model in a situation that defies all health and safety/your knowledge of cunning horse behaviour and that’s all you can focus on. There is no way any horse you’ve encountered would not take advantage of a human sprawled against it/on it with nothing controlling it. Seriously, this is false advertising.

8. Recognition of defeat. You give up. Time to embrace the fact your tastes have become rather more equine and now buying everything with a horse motif on is taking priority over being fashionable.

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