Horses can't talk — we know that, and thank goodness, imagine how awful it would be if they could answer back (that's one of the reasons we love them). But imagine if they could reply. We think it would go a little something like this...

Mucking out part I

Human: “I’ve spent ages mucking you out (again) so please don’t mess up your stable as soon as you go back into it this time. OK?”
Horse: “Why would I do such a thing? I love that you spend the time making the banks just so and you give me more bedding than I really deserve. Of course I’m not going to mess it up.”
Human: “OK in you go then.”
Horse: “Why thank you.”
Human: “What are you doing?!”
Horse: “But I was bursting. I’m really sorry.”


Human: “What are you doing?! You nearly made me fall off!”
Horse: “It’s another hedge monster. It’s TERRIFYING! I’m trying to protect you. We must go in the opposite direction immediately at speed.”
Human: “It’s not a hedge monster, you know what it is — another plastic bag.”
Horse: “But it wasn’t there yesterday and it’s definitely dangerous.”

Catching from the field

Five minutes later
Horse: “Oh gosh hello. I didn’t see you there. Oo you even have food — you should have told me, I would have come over to the gate instead of you walking all the way over here.”


Human: “Please horse, will you just walk up the ramp so that we aren’t late to the competition? Please — we have been here for ages now and I’m losing my sense of humour.”
Horse: “But I’m plaited and I know what that means — you know I don’t do dressage.”

Poo stain

Human: “Now look, as you know I’ve just spent the last hour making you look beautiful before we go competing tomorrow. I’m begging you please, don’t undo all of my hard work in your stable tonight.”
Horse: “Sure. Absolutely. Not a problem. I really appreciate all of the effort you’ve gone to.”
Next morning
Human: “Noooooooo! How did you get that stain there?!”
Horse: “Look, I can explain. I just really wanted something soft and warm to keep me comfy while I had a lie down and it’s not my fault my rug didn’t stay where it was meant to to keep me clean. Surely you understand?”

Continued below…




Human: “Now we’ve just got this last plait to do before you’re ready — keep your head nice and still I’m nearly there.”
Horse shakes head
Human: “Why?!”


Horse: “Why have you stopped bathing me?”
Human: “You’re standing on the hose, please move.”
Horse: “Ah OK, one second. There you go. Why aren’t you getting on
with it?”
Human: “You’re now standing on the hose with your other hoof. Try again.”

Mucking out part II

Horse: “Morning. I’m absolutely starving — please fetch me hay tout suite.”
Human: “You’re starving because all of last night’s hay is mixed into your bed.”
Horse: “I definitely didn’t put it there and I couldn’t possibly eat it now it’s covered in shavings. Now please go and get me some fresh stuff.”

  • Shauna Egan

    When we were seriously discussing putting my first horse, an ottb who had recovered from front founder but had ruined his back legs due to rocking back, down, he was nuzzling and licking -like a dog- our vets leg. she looked down at him and said “I can’t put him down, look at this.” He lived happily in pasture for another 12 years. They talk, we just need to listen.

  • David Morgan-Davies

    Rather a sad occasion I spoke to my vet about puitting down a pony with acute Cushings .She listened to the conversation and had her opinion heard “Vet,I dont think so do you” we didn’t!