If your grumpy mare could speak or indeed write with her hooves, we all know her Christmas wish list would make your heart sink faster than your trailer in a muddy field. Forget ‘nightmare before Christmas’, if Santa listens to your horse, it’s going to be a ’mare all year around as Ploy Radford describes…

1. To be allowed within biting distance of that poncey thoroughbred three doors down

Because she’s fed up of seeing him get secretly fed extra carrots by all his doting fans and can’t wait to sink her teeth into his glossy behind.

2. A brand new expensive rug

So she can see your tears of frustration when you find out that she has somehow ripped the gorgeous new rug that cost you an arm and a leg within 24 hours. She’ll happily nip your remaining arm and leg though to say sorry.

3. For the vet to let his guard down

And be swiftly reminded with her hooves why needles are not welcome within a 100m radius of her gorgeous physique. Same goes for anyone trying to bring clippers within said same radius.

4. An equine photoshoot

Because she thinks it would be a loss to the world if the sight of her bucking you off were not immortalised in art.

5. A new saddle

Let’s face it, she’s eaten a lot of hay and stolen goodies all year and it would be selfish and cruel of you to not spend an eye-watering amount of money on a new saddle for her.

6. That awful Shetland to move yards

While every other pony and horse on the yard cowers in fear when your mare approaches, hilariously that tiny Shetland is the only thing you have witnessed chasing her around.

7. To return to the competition circuit

Because there’s nothing more fun than discovering new humans to kick out at, new hay nets and food stands to steal from and to find more creative ways to get you eliminated in front of a huge crowd. She has no idea why you’ve been so reluctant to take her out competing since that time you “let” her have a little paddle in the water jump.

8. Death to all bins

Those horrid black things are clearly allies of the Shetland and eat horses. All must be destroyed or she’s never willingly leaving the yard again.

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9. Never to be put into fancy dress again

Looking adorable really damages her stable cred, don’t you know? And she’ll just sulk and refuse to move out of her loose-box to prevent being seen by anyone (especially that awful Shetland or the handsome thoroughbred), so just stop with the tinsel and reindeer antlers would you?

10. A kiss under the mistletoe

Because it’s the season for love and forgiveness, blah blah blah, so just smother her velvety nose with kisses, which she secretly actually really enjoys. She promises she won’t sneeze all over you and step on your foot when you do it this time.