Buying a horse can be a challenging time for buyers and sellers alike. Of course, this isn’t always the case and often the customer/vendor relationship is a harmonious one. But, if you are selling your horse, then keep an ear out for these key phrases as we take a tongue-in-cheek look what might follow…

1. I used to ride at four-star/grand prix/1m50 level

Did you really? Because by the look of it, you are barely ready to come off the lead-rein. Now please, please, please get off my horse.

2. My requirements are very reasonable

If the list is so reasonable, we would love to know where you can find a horse that has the potential to jump around Burghley, introduce your novice daughter to the Global Champions Tour, that your granny can take hunting and your baby can score 70%+ on at advanced medium level dressage.

3. My last horse took me to two-star/advanced medium/1m30 level

Well it must have been an absolute saint looking at the way you ride and your inability to see any sort of stride.

4. The horse will have a five-star home

Will it? Your interpretation of five-star might be very different to theirs, so if you’re concerned you might want to offer to deliver the horse to them, so you can check it out for yourself.

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5. Six months after they buy the horse they want to send it back because it’s started rearing, bucking, napping and refusing to go into the horsebox

Obviously this is all your fault and you should give them a full refund and compensation. It’s nothing to do with how poorly they drive their horsebox and the drilling they give the horse each time they get on it.

6. They have an adequate budget

So you are looking for a potential junior and young rider horse that you can do small tour dressage with and your husband can hunt three days per week for around £1,000. Oh and it must be sound and very straightforward in all ways too. Best of luck with that search!

7. We want it on trial. For a year

Because that’s only fair…

8. We want to buy him — please don’t let anyone else look at him. We’ll be in touch to organise a vetting…

Is that the sound of tumbleweed I hear? It’s quite likely you’ll never hear from this potential buyer again.

9. We’re looking for a pony that my toddler can take up the gallops, that my 8-year-old can ride on area Pony Club teams, and with whom my 12-year-old daughter can become the next Charlotte Dujardin. Oh and we’d like the dog to hack it out

Perhaps a rocking horse might be a better investment?