Glock’s CDI is a jaw-droppingly impressive show, where guests want for nothing — and neither do their dogs. So I thought I’d share with you some of my snaps from a wander round the show, which is taking place this weekend (28-31 May) in the Austrian Alps near the Italian border.

There will be a report about the serious dressage action in next week’s magazine (4 June) but, for now, I hope you enjoy some of the show’s more frivolous elements. It’s honestly like I’ve inadvertently walked into a Disney dressage film.

Glock’s CDI: in pictures

Here is the entrance to the loos. So just imagine what the rest looks like. The men’s loo is blue, women’s purple:

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And when you get inside, there’s none of that shoving on the doors to check if they’re free: simply look at the door handles. Red light = occupied, green light = come on in.

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Sushi freshly prepared for you at one of the many food stations. I have no idea what the blue one is (I ate it anyway).

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There are more coffee types than you can shake a stick at – caramel double skinny macchiato babbachino (or something like that) with a dusting of Glock branding, anyone?

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I had to include a picture of some actual dressage: here’s Britain’s own Anna Ross on Die Callas finishing her grand prix special in the sun. They scored 67.39% for third place with a really lovely test, despite Anna having a little sat nav error and “Cassie” adding in some extra one-time changes.

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Glock’s is no place for a diet, I keep reminding myself. Today’s pudding was “chocolate cake with liquid chocolate”. And those tiny macaroons aren’t just plain old pistachio macaroons. No no. They are mini pistachio macaroons filled with dulce de leche. Really.

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It’s always annoying when your phone runs out of battery. Not at Glock’s! In the corner of the riders’ lounge there’s a charging station: simply lock your phone in a little blue box and it powers up with no risk of anyone swiping it. Magic. Also in the riders’ lounge: free pedicure, manicure, massage, make-over services and private cinema. Seriously.

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Hang out with the stars in the riders’ lounge, too. And yes, that IS Edward Gal chatting to his pal while branded in fetching lime green beneath the huge live stream video screen. And that purple thing in the background? Oh, that’s just the bar. The bar where you can order ANY cocktail and it’ll be made by an award-winning barrista. I recommend the Glock’s Sour. To top it off, it’s served to you by a man in a silk waistcoat with a glittery diamante handgun on his back.

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Just a little chocolate that came with one of my coffees.

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At night, the riders’ lounge turns into party central – complete with masked actors dressed in full period costume and a dancefloor that changes colour.

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A chocolate lollipop the size of a tennis ball – someone left it on my keyboard as a little present. Thanks!

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Some of the spices you can have in your curry — which is made in front of you in the food hall.

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Here’s some more of the startling array of freshly-prepared food on offer. And you can go up as many times as you like. I like many times.

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The VIPs watching the action ring-side. The waiters get panicky if you’re not holding a glass.

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The masked people. Why not get your photo taken with them? The show’s prize-giving presenter Dorian Steidl did, feeling “like Cassanova for the first and last time”…

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Oh this? This is just the little welcome party in a room out the back. Nothing special really. They just sung Andrew Lloyd Webber songs. They being Katherine Jenkins and (former Pussycat Dolls singer) Nicole Scherzinger. And the audience only consisting of actual Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. No biggie.

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Upstairs is where the real celebs watch the entertainment from. Rumour has it that there are some seriously big names in the pipeline for the next two nights, but I can’t tell you who as it’s not confirmed. Oh alright then, it’s Mariah Carey and Elton John, apparently.

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This place takes topiary to a whole new level. There are half a dozen identical Glock bushes like this. And they’re real, I know, as I gave them a little squeeze to check. Got an odd look from the security guard, but he was too polite to say anything.

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The horses quite literally walk around on red carpets all the way from the stables to the arenas with a spectacular Alpine backdrop. I don’t think they’re allowed to poo.

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And it’s not just the adults who are having a nice time: there’s a kiddy corner complete with a sandpit and pony riding (you’ve got to start them young). Extra marks for any kids who can get their Shetland to piaffe.

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Yep, there’s a dog lounge. Guests can book their four-legged friends in for pooch pampering and mutt massages.

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That’s my drink. It came on a pink metal gun. And that’s not just water. Oh no, nothing so pedestrian; this is ‘health water’ with cucumber, ginger and lime. Well, I had to take a break from the prosecco/cocktails at some point.

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This is the public lounge. Not too shabby. More topiary. Oh and the entire place is covered with brand spanking new, freshly laid wood chips. They’re beautiful to look at, but when watching the women in stilettos walk on it, the picture’s not so graceful.

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Alice… in Glock’s dressage wonderland, AKA where I’d like to go when I die, please