There are just a few things we wish we could clear up with our horses — whether it's those horse-eating road signs or the fact that kicking the stable door doesn't make food come any faster...

1. We want the same thing

You want to go out. We want you to go out. The longer you faff about as we’re changing your rug, the longer it’s going to be till you get out. Just wait.

2. The bins aren’t going to eat you

There has never been a confirmed case of a bin eating a horse.

3. The road works signs aren’t going to eat you

We’re fairly sure they’re vegetarians.

4. The sheep/cows/flowers/dressage judges aren’t going to eat you

We think we’ve made our point.

5. The fence is there for a reason

And no, the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

6. Your hay/haylage and straw/shavings are separate for a reason

If you mix the former in with the latter, you won’t want to eat it, and then you’ll do that hurt “you’ve left me to starve” face.

7. The feed is in the bucket for a reason

Tip it out and you’ll be the one eating poo.

8. We brushed the mud off for a reason

And you didn’t like it. Roll again and we’ll have to brush it off again.

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9. The water is there for you to drink

If you fill it up with hay/poo in it/tip it over, you will be thirsty.

10. Kicking the door won’t make your dinner come any faster

And turning your head on one side won’t let you reach any further towards it.

11. It’s for your own good

Whether it’s a vile-tasting wormer or a needle in your neck, we’re not doing it for the fun of it. And once it’s done, it’s done.

12. Stay away from the giant mutant killer burrs

Just trust us on this one.

13. Just stand still

Really.