You may think we’ve gone mad at H&H HQ. And you may well be right. But here are 15 things that we’re pretty sure horses would say if they could talk.

1. It’s my back, OK, my back hurts. No need to keep numbing bits of my leg, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

2. Another new rug, gee thanks, no really, thanks, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, it’s just these new ones don’t smell like, you know, how I like them. Leave it with me though…

3.You’re putting me in this lush field with a muzzle on? Seriously? How about I take you to Le Manoir and tell them to bring out empty plates?

4. Hell yes I’m puffing my tummy out. Fancy cranking your belt up a few holes while we’re at it?

5. I don’t have a tummy ache. I just rearranged the pillows last night to have a super comfy 40-winks. Honestly, there’s absolutely no need to stick that thermometer up my, Ooooo!

6. “Whoa”? What do you mean “whoa”? I read the board this morning and I will have you know we are doing “canter work” today.

7. There’s the gate. Oh OK. Once more. Hold up, there it is again. Not this time either? I’m designed to eat for up to 22 hours a day you know. Grass is growing somewhere and it ain’t in this indoor school.

8. Here’s a thought, how about you walk to the field quicker rather than me having to walk slower?

9. Why do we do this “get ridden three times in different tack” malarkey every other weekend for six months a year? Pick a sport, will you.

10. Oh boy, the man that stands in the middle of the school shouting is here. Can we just go for a hack today? He has this strange effect on you, makes you go all overly ambitious.

11. Come again? I have absolutely no idea what that combination of leg/rein aids means. Let’s stop a second; doing it harder doesn’t make it any clearer, you might just as well shout at a Parisian in English with a dodgy French accent.

12. I’m not scraping this hoof on the floor for the fun of it — hand over the breakfast bowl. Arriba, slacker.

13. I know it may look like an innocuous plastic bag, but you can’t be too careful. Argh! Did you see that? It moved! Mum? Where are you? What are you doing down there?

14. I get that you want me to go up that ramp, but I notice you plaited me this morning and I wasn’t born yesterday — I’m envisaging this is going to be a long and potentially rather tedious day.

15. I gather you like having your nails done. But then again I don’t imagine that for you the experience includes a burly bloke with a hammer, nails and a van with smoke pouring out the back of it.

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