If you’ve got a mare, you may suspect that she spends at least some of her time plotting evil. And you’d be right. If she could speak, her ‘confessions’ would probably go something like this…

1. Mucking out

“I’m in a generous mood and I know how much you hate mucking out, so I’ve saved you the trouble by hiding all my poo in the shavings banks. There’s loads of it in there. You’re welcome.”

2. Spatial awareness

“Yes, I did stand on your foot. No, I’m not sorry. I meant it.”

3. Face-off

“I’m going to rub my face vigorously on your arm. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is a gesture of affection. I’ve got a horsefly on my cheek and I’m hoping it decides to bite you instead.”

4. Feeling soppy

“I’m in season, and feeling unusually affectionate, so you may cuddle me. But if you accidentally touch any of my sensitive bits in the process, I will kick you. Consider yourself warned.”

5. The perfect revenge

“It was me that bit that gelding in the field next to mine. I know everybody thought it couldn’t be me, because the electric fencing was on, but it was. I just picked my moment carefully. That gelding was really annoying me, by breathing and moving about. He totally deserved it.”

6. Fashion policing

“It was also me that tore my field-mate’s rug. I don’t want to be a bitch, but she looks awful in turquoise blue. It’s just not her colour. I was doing her a favour by trying to get it off her. Any true friend would have done the same so don’t judge me.”

7. Setting standards

“If you don’t ride like Charlotte Dujardin in this lesson, I’m going to buck you off. Just saying.”

8. Staying safe

“Don’t try telling me that’s a ‘fence’. It’s a couple of horse-eating monsters lightly snacking on a pole – clearly the taster for the main course of a moody mare kebab. If you insist on making me go near it again, I’ll dump you so you can kill it for me, then we’ll continue with this jumping malarkey. OK?”

9. House proud

“I’ve pooed in my water bucket. And in my window grille – and have you any idea how high I had to reach my bum in order to do that? Once again, I’ve worked hard to keep my stable clean for you. I hope you’re suitably grateful.”

Continued below…

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10. Hair care tips

“You know how you carefully plaited me up for that show? Well, I rubbed half my tail off in the trailer. You really should buy one of those tail guard things, you know. You have only yourself to blame.”

11. Keeping things interesting

“You know how I hate my field mates, the gelding next to me, and most of the time, you? Well, if you put me in that field on my own, I’m going to gallop round neighing so wildly and loudly that you’ll think I’m having a panic attack. I know, there’s no logic to it. Keeps you on your toes though, doesn’t it?”